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mood

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thankful

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This week has had more excitement packed into than the entire year.


I don't really feel like going into detail on here, possibly because I am absolutely exhausted, but here are a few of the highlights.


*Bill and I got into a fight
*Bill got in an accident
*People who I havent seen since I was little keep coming into work
*Fight with Ashley
*Warped Tour...which was AMAZING by the way
*Ran out of gas and almost got into an accident on the way back from Warped Tour....yeah. Thank god for hedges!!

I cant sleep. Mainly because I feel randomly naucious and the entire left side of my body is aching.

As you can probably tell, it's about 5 in the morning and I have no idea what to do with myself. I want to sleep but if I was able to do that I would have just stayed in bill's room where I really want to be right now. But since that's not happening I've decided to perhaps get some more thoughts out into the open. So for the past 5 minutes I've been trying to think of some epiphany to put in here or at least some memory or thought that is somewhat provoking. So far I've come up with nothing.

I guess this will just have to do:

I am unmotivated. And people who are motivated irritate me for the simple fact that I wish I could be like them, I just lack the motivation.

College was probably the biggestest waste ever. As most of you probably know I have basically given up on this whole college thing. And I've already been lectured so many times about not failing out but I see it as if I do then at least I will have a very good reason not to come back in the fall.

I have never found myself interested in "furthering my education" anyways. One because I hated high school for the whole education purpose so why would I want to waste another four years of my life "furthering" it? Second, to me college seems more for people who want to be teachers, doctors, lawyers, or anything of that nature. I feel like I don't belong here with all the intellegent people who want intellectual jobs. I want to be an artist of some type that doesnt involve advanced physics and statistical whatever every damn day. Therefore, to me, college=pointless.

All that I really want is a place to live, someone who loves me, and a job that I enjoy doing. Thats it.

One more thing. There is one reason why I don't regret being forced into coming to Penn State and wasting how much money and time on nothing. I think about it and I know that if I would have gotten my way and gone to Bradley Academy or somewhere else I would never have met the one person that makes me happier than anyone. I would never have met the one person that I feel truly comfortable around. I would never have met Bill.

One thing I would like to add to the last entry:

I know that I only met him a few times and we weren't that close, but I'm so afraid of seeing people I love end up like Zach Stuck, or Stucky as his friends called him. I'm not sure of all the details of what happened to him. I dont have a timeline depicting when what happened and who all was there. All I know is that it was a horrible horrible thing to happen to someone so young and sweet.

It seems so unconcievable to me how anyone could just let someone die, a friend at that, because you're too afraid of getting caught. I know that sometimes my sick little mind gets a hold of me and I talk about killing bastards who don't deserve to live, but if I would rather sit in a jail cell for a few years than watch a friend die from drugs I supplied him with. If there is a hell I hope justice is served and they all find their train tickets to the deepest circle of torture and decay.

While driving home tonight I thought of something else that I failed to mention earlier.

Going along with the fact that I do things just to know someone cares, I occasionally get the urge to wreck my car just to see who would visit me in the hospital. Of course I would make sure never to harm anyone else, especially friends, but on those nights by myself, I can almost picture myself letting go of the wheel and driving off the road.

I was close to injury, possibly death, once already in a car crash. And for some reason I wish I would have hit the buildings or the pole. I wish I would have ended up in an emergency room. Its kind of sick to think about and I wonder about my own sanity, but I must admit the truth and there it is. Why not just slit my wrists like everyone else? I dont like razors...

I've been thinking a lot recently about my past and the things I've done. One thing that really sticks out are the days when I let my so called friends convince me to take prescription pills to get fucked up. For the longest time I had no idea why I let myself be convinced to do something that stupid. I just kept telling myself it was for the high I got from them but that wasn't the case at all.

I have recently discovered that my abuse of prescription pills has carried over to today. Not in the same degree or anything but at times I will find myself taking too many pain killers or whatever I can find. It's not for the high either, if I wanted that I would have moved on to more potent drugs but I never did (and never will). The reason was because I wanted someone to tell me to stop. I wanted someone to realize what was going on, be concerned, and tell me to knock it off. Not for the attention, just to know that someone cared.

I guess I could have just told my family but back then, and still today, my family doesn't exactly mean that much to me. That and I didn't want to end up on the 7th floor like my mom and have everyone think I'm crazy...though that is debatable.

Today, just the thought of drugs pisses me off but if I see or know of someone doing them I feel that I have no right telling them what to do with their lives. Of course, sometimes I do mention my feelings towards them and why but I could never shove sobrioty down anyone's throat.

So the question comes up as to why I hate drugs. Possibly because I saw my mom try to commit suicide by taking a bottle of tylenol. Or it could be because several people who I cared about were caught and arrested for them. One in particular comes who mind, someone I thought I truly cared about was caught and to be quite honest those were some of the worst days of my life. I hate to admit it but its the honest truth and I ended up worrying myself to the point of physical illness, the main reason why I quit dance only 3 months before graduating. Looking back I could kick myself for ever letting someone get to me that much and dropping out of the one thing that I loved so much. But that's all in the past now.

And here I am today, still surrounded by the use and abuse of drugs, but I somehow manage. For now anyways. I can tell already that in the next couple of years I will find myself growing less and less tolerant of them but for now, since I am in college, I guess I'll just have to learn to deal.